Ritual Cautions for the Ill-Prepared

TEMPORAL SENSITIVITY NOTICE
It has been observed (though not officially confirmed) that wearing certain relics on the anniversaries of historical tragedies may result in prophetic dreams. The Laments accept no responsibility for subsequent existential unravellings, epiphanies, or spontaneous career redirections. You were warned.

LITERARY RESONANCE ALERT
Some relics have been known to amplify literary proclivities. Symptoms include: unsolicited sonnets, Victorian speech patterns, and compulsive grammatical interventions. Proceed with poetic restraint.

CURIOSITY AMPLIFICATION STATEMENT
Exposure to relics may accelerate the wearer’s descent into peculiar fascinations: antique taxonomies, forbidden cartographies, or nighttime excursions to mildly haunted locales. The Laments consider this not a side effect, but a spiritual upgrade.

COLLECTION-SPECIFIC ADVISORIES

"WITCHCRAFT & RUIN" COLLECTION

  • LUNAR REACTIVITY
    These relics grow inexplicably warm during full moons and emit a low-frequency hum detectable only by the wearer and nearby ferns. This is intentional.
  • BOTANICAL INFLUENCE
    Gardens tended while donning these wares may display abnormal vigor, including the emergence of flora believed extinct. Exercise modesty when explaining this to neighbors.
  • SHADOW PECULIARITIES
    Shadows cast by these relics may move a moment out of sync. This is not a glitch in your perception. This is a loosening of time.

"NATURALIST & CRYPTID ARCHIVES" COLLECTION

  • WILDLIFE ATTRACTION NOTICE
    After prolonged wear, visitors have reported appearances of fauna not listed in modern field guides—notably, birds with unnecessary feathers and the emotionally complex toad.
  • CLASSIFICATORY URGES
    Wearers may develop an irresistible urge to catalog household objects by 19th-century taxonomic systems. While strange, this has proven useful.
  • SPECIMEN SOLIDARITY
    Relics may mysteriously relocate themselves closer to cabinets of curiosities, insect collections, or handwritten naturalist notes. Should such collections not exist, a compelling urge to begin one may arise.

"LIMINAL DREAMS" COLLECTION

  • SLEEP PROTOCOL ALTERATION
    Wearing these relics during rest often triggers lucid dreams of improbable landscapes and long-deceased eccentrics. Conversations may continue after waking.
  • THRESHOLD SENSITIVITY
    Crossing thresholds (literal or metaphorical) may result in auditory shifts or momentary dislocation. Bridges, equinoxes, and turning points are all considered high-sensitivity zones.
  • MEMORY INTERPOLATION
    Some wearers report memories not their own: flickering candlelight in forgotten libraries, or whispered philosophy in antique train cars. These memories usually fade by morning. The yearning may not.

CONTRA-INDICATIONS

UNSUITABLE PAIRINGS
Relics do not thrive when paired with:

  • Mass-manufactured garments exuding spiritual tedium
  • Jewelry with no backstory
  • Outfits chosen solely for trend adherence

INCOMPATIBLE ENVIRONMENTS
Effects are dulled or made erratic in the settings of the following types:

  • Team-building exercises involving acronyms
  • Establishments where music is generated by algorithm
  • Parties where discussion neglects even one mention of cryptids or liminal excursions.

UNWORTHY ACTIVITIES
While robust, relic enchantments may dissipate under exposure to:

  • Meetings that could have been scrolls
  • Blandified entertainment designed to pacify the imaginative
  • Social gatherings where eccentricity is actively suppressed

OWNERSHIP RESPONSIBILITY DISCLOSURE

By entering into covenant with a Jaded Lament relic, you agree to the following:

  • You shall escort it on impulsive journeys, especially when ill-advised and will subject you to societal judgement.
  • You shall read, within its company, at least one esoteric, musty-smelling book per moon cycle
  • You shall not apologize for its nature, nor translate its significance for those who will not understand
  • You accept that it may quietly steer your choices toward the uncanny and away from the expected
  • The Laments consider these minor terms a fair exchange for companionship with an artifact of character in a world increasingly allergic to meaning.
  • All advisories are, to our knowledge, true. Any inconsistencies have been offered in the spirit of narrative flourish.

Questions may be directed to your local archivist, medium, or the nearest crack in reality.

Prepared to seek thy fate?

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